So lately, despite not making blogs, I joined a club in Baruch like a month ago and went twice because of the things that happened in between. But anyways, I got to know my community really well and they are really friendly and nice, especially my club members. What’s this club about? It’s a Christian club called, KCCC, and we basically glorify God on Thursdays, during club hours. Unfortunately, this week was the last meeting for this semester. Yeah, I am really sad about it. :(

So that was my historical background…

But what I am currently facing is the problem I had a few years ago when I used to go to church.. the feeling of being socially awkward around other people. Normally, this does not happen when I am around with a group of friends that I know well but I cannot seem to differentiate why I cannot act like myself around my Christian Community. Yes, I am able to throw in some comments now when I could not back then. I noticed this feeling after going to an event last night (Friday). It happened after the event was over and some of the group members split up to go home. I was in a group of 7 which became into 6 later, taking the 7 train. Why am I having problems to start a conversation and keep going? And more importantly, have conversations that have some kind of meaning or at least be fun? Am I nervous that I may say something that is not expected from other’s point of view? So far, I only remember names of the people after meeting them twice or three times already, that’s a start. How am I supposed to prepare myself for one day if I gotta evangelize with my community even though I hardly fit in with the members? God, give me strength. I know that this is not what I am supposed to act or be in this behavior and it bothers me so much that I have to get it out from my chest. What I want to do is to try to become more of myself and have a stronger bond with my members. Why? Because God brought me here for a reason despite not having faith for three long years. In fact, I love this community and I want to stay in it. Unlike my former church, the members here often come to me just to say, “Hi!” and I am really touched even though I cannot keep the conversation going. Nonetheless, I really can care less for what other Baruch students may say to me. For example, even if they say I should join a business club that meets every Thursdays, I am willing to stay in the club right now until I graduate. Personally, I want to know more about God and his words and wisdom. I just hope that this uneasy feeling will go away as I continue to believe and persevere in his grace and honor his name.

I think my writing skills are diminishing! :’(